lots of shit has gone down in the forever since i've been here. five or ten heavens and forty hells or more.

i'm not the person i used to be.

the art i made before.. like all the memories i've smoked, drank, and popped to forget and cast into the shadows.. will have to go. i can't stand to see it any more. it's not fit to be seen. i fucking hate it.

i fucking hate it.

it started with piles and piles of papers, journal writings, poems, stories, and heartaches on paper torn into shreds or set on fire. i was always scribbling like a madwoman to stop the tears, but the tears kept coming. the things i wrote. oh my god, the things i wrote. thinking about it makes me almost start rocking back and forth. my heart ripped out for noone in the world to see.

my frailty brought about next the losses of acquaintances i'd been so familiar with and had once called friends. it's not their fault i realized otherwise. they live how they want, just as i. if you can call it want.

now, the stacks of canvases and other bullshit art i've hidden in the basement... all those things i labored on for so long without any direction whatsoever... the emotional trauma i've endured from never achieving what i wanted, or worrying too much about this that him her or the other.. that shit is fucking gone as hell. it's fucking gone. it's dead to me and dead inside of me. i see it and want to spit on it. i see it and want to die; just as i felt when i made it; it did not work; nothing changed; everything hurt; nothing mattered.

the spray can will come out and it will be painted black.. the under layers never to be seen or thought of again. perhaps something new will come out from it, just as i'm hoping in my real life. keep forgetting. keep forgetting. keep trying to forget. i'm hoping for a rosy exterior and a restart with someone i'd loved, lost, and loved again. but i worry to the core that i'll end up exactly where i started. now i'm trying to keep that worry from actually bring about the end.

so many times i've seen my end so close and every time i've made it past. for better or worse... i don't know which.

i just hope the next round is something worth looking at. i'm tired of the crap.